Disclaimer: I'm a Christian and this post deals with matters of faith. If that triggers you, you’ve probably had a bad experience with people’s “religion” in the past and I’m sorry you had to go through that. All I ask is that you respect my choice to share. I respect your choice to skip this one
Ten years ago, I signed my first publishing contract.
Strength was my debut novel—a passion project I pinned, admittedly, too many hopes on. I had already deviated from my intended career path, thanks to graduating college at the height of a recession. If turning to my creative skill sets didn’t pan out, I didn’t know how I would pay back my student loans.
No. If I’m being honest, it was more than that.
Like my protagonist, I was a naive twenty-something trying to find my place in the world. I craved the security that came from having an identity, a community, so much that I tried to please everyone: those who said my manuscript wasn’t steamy enough for the genre, those who pointed to mega successes and recited the industry formula of “write the same but different”.
If you’ve read Strength, you’re probably wondering what I’m going on about. There was a “hot” scene, but it wasn’t like they had sex. And violence? It wasn’t gory. The language technically didn’t even go beyond PG-13. By mainstream standards, it was nothing.
But when did I start going by mainstream standards?
Nevertheless, Strength’s release was well-received. It wasn’t a bestseller, but it paid off my loans and I got to keep writing. Encouraged by its success and the fact that “New Adult,” as a category, was finally taking off, I leaned more into what was working.
My moral boundary markers lost a little more ground with each subsequent book—and I was rewarded for it. I won fan awards, landed interviews, and even snagged a couple of those oh-so-difficult-to-procure advertisements. I told myself I was doing more good reaching mass audiences with a subtle faith message than by writing Christian fiction or even “clean” romance. Why preach to the choir?
The thing was, that faith message came across as at odds with everything else I allowed in. Sure, the hero attended campus fellowship each week, but he also went to third base in the back of his pickup. Don’t get me wrong. Christians and their fictional counterparts are a far cry from sainthood, but when an intimate experience outside of marriage isn’t followed up with some kind of conviction from the Holy Spirit, what is the point of highlighting the character’s faith? It tells the reader there are no repercussions for what his belief system considers sinful behavior.
And I’m not talking about punishment. Sin isn’t breaking some arbitrary rule. It’s ignoring life's guardrails. Yeah, any of us can smash through if we want to, but one way or another, we’re going to end up hurt. His God—my God—doesn’t want people hurting. That’s why we have a gut-check.
So, yeah, that’s one way I blew it.
And before I go on, let me make it clear that I am NOT judging or shaming any of you for what you read or write or do in the back of your respective vehicles. Lord knows I'm not here to judge. All of this is to address my own conviction. It's about me and my career.
(Sorry, I couldn't resist a good Kim's Convenience GIF. 😅)
Now, my first thought was to go through and patch the series. If I rewrote scenes here and there, maybe I’d have books I still felt proud of—but no, the ripple effect was too extensive. Okay. Then, what would be the harm in learning from those mistakes and moving forward, being more conscientious with my next series?
Reluctantly, but obediently, I cannot continue to profit from contributing to others’ potential pitfalls.
Let me unpack that a little more. On a personal level, I’ve been trying to do better lately. I’ve spent the past decade entirely too complacent when it comes to entertainment. It wasn’t until I started trying to be more intentional with my spiritual life that I began to feel the influence of everything I watch, read, and listen to.
The content we consume deposits something inside us. Over time, what builds up seeps into our thought patterns, our word choices, and even our behaviors. That can be for the better, or it can have us fantasizing about slamming some Karen’s face into a shelf of frozen dinners at the supermarket. Know what I mean?
Again, I reiterate that I’m not of the saintly variety.
So, all of this to say, I’m unpublishing the Mark of Nexus series. It’s not going to be some swept-under-the-rug secret where readers stumble across old copies and future me denounces any connection to them. I’m still proud of the time and effort I put into those books. They were a creative outlet, and they honed my craft. I don’t regret the experience.
I do regret how convoluted the series got by the end. How many characters with how many different powers were on that island?! LOL But I digress…
Thank you to everyone who has lent me their support over the years. I don’t want to dismiss or trivialize your impact on my life, just because I’m steering my career in a different direction. The truth is, I’m not ready to retire Rena and Wallace—even Cole—just yet.
I’ve been toying with the notion of reimagining the series from scratch. It might be a backburner project while I work on my fantasy series, but it’s definitely taking shape in my mind. I can’t fight it. Maybe YA? Maybe a Vella serial? Who knows!
As for my romantic suspense, As We Know It, I’m confident I can make some adjustments and get it back up. That’s the good thing about standalones, fewer ripples. Plus, I spent like a year researching that one, so...
Tell me, what have you guys been up to in my ridiculously long absence?
TL;DR (“Too Long; Didn’t Read” Summary)
▸ I’ve unpublishing the Mark of Nexus series for personal reasons, but it might get a reboot.
▸ I love you all.